Torn
Torn between
What a brutal way to describe it.
PHYSICALLY HARMING
I wish California was still the land of opportunity.
Now simply the land of the wicked and Wiccan.
I don't want to burn alive
I want to drink.
I feel torn PHYSICALLY ripping my toes apart from one another,
my scalp peeling open revealing white and red, matter and bone.
I grew up in a place like this, I remember loving it.
Looking around, I don't recognize it anymore, the city
is an unloving institution.
I chew my teeth so hard, I'll be blessed if I can still eat solid
foods in my forties.
I also want to pull a tooth out, I think the one between my left
bucktooth and my left K9, the little one there.
It doesn't want to come out, but I think it would look funny.
I used to shave my head right down the middle, leaving half
about an inch long, the other, down to the scalp.
I liked the looks I got.
It looked like my best friend was Chief and I lived in some
asylum thinking I could get out whenever I pleased.
Folly of the insane.
“sixty-eight days, buddy, sixty-eight days”
Washington looked at him like he was truly crazy for the first time.
Less crazy, simply uninformed, probably leaning closer to stupid.
I am torn between having demons and being a demon.
I can't tell if it is in my head, or in my heart.
I can tell I am not normal, although I have also been told
that no two people are exactly alike, so how am I to tell
who is lacking in normalcy.
I can tell that I think differently from most, but it is
all within the disturbing realm of the macabre that no one
seems to want to hear.
I thought I could work in a funeral home, but I also think
I would make too many friends in a place like that.
I am scared there's no place out there for someone like me,
someone is such a useless word, it's about as broad as you can get.
I, at least, fit in with the other sociopaths in a city,
out in the country, it would take me years to relinquish the fear
I have developed in a hate-driven land like this.
David Lynch talks about this kind of stuff, I had no clue
Philadelphia had abused him similarly.
Allowing him to create the most grotesque
works of film ever created.
But he survived!, and moved to California.
Palm trees and beach bicycles, Hollywood.
It isn't the same anymore. Hollywood is not the same.
Why sell your soul to Hollywood when you can be an actor
anywhere else in the world today for only an arm and a leg?
My question is, after I pay my dues, assuming I can survive
my time in Philadelphia, where do I go?
Do I just rot here until I am thrown away with the rest of the city trash
or do I find the next Hollywood, whether that be Nashville or Neptune?
My cat is breathing so heavily I can hardly concentrate.
I thought cats were supposed to just be, just exist and be cute,
this fucking thing is needier than my dog! He's loud as shit,
uses me as his bed, and can't stop eating. I told my girlfriend
I need a break from animals after the dog and cat die.
I, of course, still have Salinger and Noname (see A Crazy Side)
but they just chill and don't destroy apartments.
When my girlfriend and I started dating we used to have little rats.
We called them Fancy and Rocky and they were cute as all else!
Maybe some kind of rodent would be fun.
This is a thought I get at this same point in everything I write,
is this worth anything? Does anyone really want this shit?
I mean, we are obviously on Medium, this blog platform, so people
are hoping to read some good current writers, but that leaves the question,
why the fuck am I here?
It's not like I read anything on Medium, I just post my useless ramblings
here so I feel like I haven't completely wasted another day.
I am still looking for people to reach out to confirm that what I write about
is not only happening to me but nothing so far.
I nearly NEED to know that there are other people who feel like being dead inside
is basically the same thing as living a fulfilling life, because I still cannot
tell much of a difference.
If you feel that life is actually really worth living, then you need not comment
because I overpay many therapists to try to convince me of the same shit.
I don't mean to be overly dramatic, I am not on the edge today, even if I were,
we don't know each other so if I jumped, you wouldn't even know about it,
but just in terms of being able to understand life a little more,
what we call a lifetime, I just don't believe that it is what we want it to be.
